A Bittersweet Day

Hope of New Beginnings

A bittersweet day - I've been quiet this Mothers Day, as it was, like for many others, bitter sweet. Reasons to celebrate, reasons to be introspective and reasons to feel all the big emotions, sometimes all at once.

This year, Mothers Day coincided with my darling husbands birthday; that was definitely the celebratory sweet part. We went out for brunch, spoke about our favourite Mum memories; his was her just being there, mine was the parties Mum used to host. I remember one time, both of us laughing so hard, we could hardly breathe or speak.

Like for many others, my darling Mum is in spirit. It's been 27 years and I still miss her dreadfully. Ours wasn't always a smooth sailing mother/daughter relationship. I was an absolute cow during some of my teenage years, getting up to all sorts that no doubt, caused the premature white in her hair and for her to no longer want me living under her roof. Bitter pill to swallow when you're trying to hold down a college course at 16.

Now, not all of it was down to me. I now understand the part that she played within the dynamic was as a result of her own childhood. How can someone demonstrate healthy parenting if they have never been shown it themselves?

The world was a completely different place in 70's and 80's. For those of you that were born post 2000, just trust me when I say things we're far more simpler in many ways and less tolerant in others. So much of what went on would make you gasp in shock now however for us Gen Xers, it was par for the course. We virtually raised ourselves. For instance, when I was out I was OUT, cycling for miles coming home when the sun started to set and was baking Victoria sponges from scratch, completely unsupervised at 8 years old, just as long as I washed up and left the kitchen how I found it! Mum worked from home so was home in body, but never in attention or affection.

Anyway, I digress.

Right now, things with my offspring are difficult to say the least, therefore Mothers Day whilst I celebrate that I am, by definition, a mother 4 times over (three never touched the earth) is barren of all acknowledgement. I hope that one day, things will be different and we can talk it through without me getting a barrage of verbal abuse.

Mental health and substance abuse are terrible things alone but put together seem to amplify the effects of each other 1000 fold. I am currently seeking professional support to navigate my way through this, especially to help me understand the effects one has on the other and within that, if there is a way I can better communicate when required. It doesn't matter how old your children get, it's painful to see them hurt themselves at all especially through addiction because you still want the best for them. I do understand there are adult choices at play which has led them to where they are now, which is for them to deal with.

So days especially dedicated to Mothers, Fathers, hamsters, gerbils etc...the last two are of course made up, but then again, nothing would surprise me, can be difficult to navigate for many whose relationships are complicated. It can be a lonely place to find yourself. If you're in the UK and fall into this category, please reach out to 24/7 professionals like the Samaritans who will be more than happy to listen. For international readers, put Google to work and find out what is in your area.

So, the purpose of me writing this short blog, is that for many there is an absence that is felt most keenly, especially during these days aimed specifically at certain relationships. Please, be kind to everyone you meet. Perhaps the day your paths meet is the anniversary of a passing, a birthday or another day of remembrance that has caused them to be 'less than' in that moment. If you are also going through anything like this, also to say, you're not alone.

With the best will in the world, life can be a shit with grief in it's various forms biting you in the arse when you least expect it; be that grief for the relationship wished for with someone loved that's still here or someone passed to the higher life.

Grief is just love that has no place to go - Jamie Anderson

Regarding my personal situation? All I can do as a Mother is continue to strive to understand the mental illness & substance addiction that has had such a devastating effect on my adult child's life, reconcile that I was a good Mum, doing my best with what I had available to me and hope things, one day, will change for the better. We'll see. Only time will tell.

Until then, in the immortal words of Mel Robbins, let them. Let them live their life as they see fit and let me respond in ways that are supportive and loving to myself.

Although they won't read this, I have still been deliberately vague as to protect their privacy

Thanks for making it to the end :)

Minister Nicola Shortland-Neal